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Why do all boy bands look gay?
Nothing really new or interesting, but the references to Justin and Lance (and the wormhole joke) amused me :)
From E!Online's Answer Bitch:
Why do all boy bands look gay? Mitchell Ryans, Mesa, Arizona
A.B. Replies: What boy bands? Where? I see Good Charlotte pretending not to be a boy band. You mean them? Or do you mean the boy bands of recent yesteryear, like 'N Sync or ye olde Backstreet Boys?
Are you writing to me from 1998? Have you been sucked into a wormhole? Do you need aid?
We need to explore the shades of gay, and there is a wide spectrum. And to be clear, we're not talking actual sexual orientation but merely image.
Obviously, you don't mean Stipe gay or even Rupert Everett gay. (Lance Bass could do worse than to have a look like that.)
I assume you mean Timberlake gay, the kind of Escher-like sexual construction that allows a man to talk like Michael Jackson and still persuade Cameron Diaz to kiss him atop a surfboard. You're really talking about a look that oozes a sexuality that defies all science.
Actually, that International Male chic comes carefully planned, usually by marketers or managers or stylists--people other than the Menudos or the New Kids themselves.
Why? Money.
Remember: Most boy-band worshippers have yet to don a bra, and they haven't learned how to play smash-and-grab with Daddy's PT Cruiser. These idol worshippers usually come no older than 13--they still like to pop the heads off of their Diva Starz and serve invisible tea to the plastic corpses.
In other words, marketers and other experts say, most boy-band fans are tweens. Lord willing, most of them have yet to discover their full sexuality. Their lobotomized parents see them as being too young to handle rock gods with full beards, broad shoulders, bass guitars and other badges of male maturity. And the parents, not the kids, have the cash that pays for the music and affiliated boy-band schwag. And yes, I use the term music loosely.
"These performers do need to be hot and cute enough that they are crushworthy," explains Teen People music editor Zena Burns. "But not so R. Kelly-feelin'-on-your-booty that you should be locked up if you let your 11-year-old daughter listen to them.
"That's why Clay Aiken is so popular and why every parent wants their little girl to be into him," she says. "You look up 'sexually nonthreatening' in the dictionary, and that is Clay Aiken."
Indeed. Without the fluttery eyelashes or the Howdy Doody hair, parents might brand Aiken as too mature for their precious little ones.
Also remember this: You know that look that you consider gay? Many guys--particularly those in the larger cities--call that just another day at Urban Outfitters. Lots of sk8tr bois actually like to pour themselves into tiny graphic tees, dark-wash denims and J. Lindeberg blazers. The whole look tends to complement the reedy little ladies they breed out in these parts.
Need proof?
"Guys ages 13 and 14 are getting their hair highlighted on the east and west coasts," says Anastacia Stathakis, a youth-marketing expert with Blue Fusion/Westin Rinehart.
Now. Seacrest out.
From E!Online's Answer Bitch:
Why do all boy bands look gay? Mitchell Ryans, Mesa, Arizona
A.B. Replies: What boy bands? Where? I see Good Charlotte pretending not to be a boy band. You mean them? Or do you mean the boy bands of recent yesteryear, like 'N Sync or ye olde Backstreet Boys?
Are you writing to me from 1998? Have you been sucked into a wormhole? Do you need aid?
We need to explore the shades of gay, and there is a wide spectrum. And to be clear, we're not talking actual sexual orientation but merely image.
Obviously, you don't mean Stipe gay or even Rupert Everett gay. (Lance Bass could do worse than to have a look like that.)
I assume you mean Timberlake gay, the kind of Escher-like sexual construction that allows a man to talk like Michael Jackson and still persuade Cameron Diaz to kiss him atop a surfboard. You're really talking about a look that oozes a sexuality that defies all science.
Actually, that International Male chic comes carefully planned, usually by marketers or managers or stylists--people other than the Menudos or the New Kids themselves.
Why? Money.
Remember: Most boy-band worshippers have yet to don a bra, and they haven't learned how to play smash-and-grab with Daddy's PT Cruiser. These idol worshippers usually come no older than 13--they still like to pop the heads off of their Diva Starz and serve invisible tea to the plastic corpses.
In other words, marketers and other experts say, most boy-band fans are tweens. Lord willing, most of them have yet to discover their full sexuality. Their lobotomized parents see them as being too young to handle rock gods with full beards, broad shoulders, bass guitars and other badges of male maturity. And the parents, not the kids, have the cash that pays for the music and affiliated boy-band schwag. And yes, I use the term music loosely.
"These performers do need to be hot and cute enough that they are crushworthy," explains Teen People music editor Zena Burns. "But not so R. Kelly-feelin'-on-your-booty that you should be locked up if you let your 11-year-old daughter listen to them.
"That's why Clay Aiken is so popular and why every parent wants their little girl to be into him," she says. "You look up 'sexually nonthreatening' in the dictionary, and that is Clay Aiken."
Indeed. Without the fluttery eyelashes or the Howdy Doody hair, parents might brand Aiken as too mature for their precious little ones.
Also remember this: You know that look that you consider gay? Many guys--particularly those in the larger cities--call that just another day at Urban Outfitters. Lots of sk8tr bois actually like to pour themselves into tiny graphic tees, dark-wash denims and J. Lindeberg blazers. The whole look tends to complement the reedy little ladies they breed out in these parts.
Need proof?
"Guys ages 13 and 14 are getting their hair highlighted on the east and west coasts," says Anastacia Stathakis, a youth-marketing expert with Blue Fusion/Westin Rinehart.
Now. Seacrest out.
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And well... We like 'em that way. ;) Heh.
}:D
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And the this sort of standard answer also amuses me, because while it might fit for boybands for their first couple of years, if they last longer than that, the non-sexual-ness has normally gone by the wayside ;)
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